May
18

The Embarrassing Family Member Of A Nurse

5/18/12

 

 

 

 

INCIDENT REPORT

 

EXPLANATION:

 

I have more than enough embarrassing family members and ever since I became a nurse a few years ago, they have found ways to be more embarrassing and involve me in it.  I don’t mind answering medical questions, but sometimes they call me up and ask me the most ignorant questions or ask me about these crazy concoction cures they invent.  This past weekend I went to the bar with my brother and all of a sudden I see him waving me over.  It’s about 1:30 in the morning & he has had plenty to drink.  He called me over there because he had gotten into this drunken argument with this guy over Jack Kevorkian.  It turns out this guy told my brother that assisted suicide is illegal and my brother begged to differ by telling him that his sister is a nurse & there are these hospitals called, “Hospice Houses,” where doctors & nurses help you commit suicide.  Close?  Not really.  I’m afraid that my brother kind of lost this one.

 

 

REAL FAIL:   The Embarrassing Family Member Of A Nurse

 

Relation by destiny.

 

PLAN FOR IMPROVEMENT:

 

Oh yes, besides all the free public peep shows being a nurse also has this added benefit, the illusion of smartness by helping a not so smart relative win some sort of medical argument.  Just like the story above, be prepared for the usually drunken relative to use a half-made up on the spot, quarter-medical TV show, quarter-your actual story as their side of the argument.  Personally, my answer all depends on how nice I feel & how annoying the person my family member is arguing with seems.  I just go by feeling.  You know?  Like where everything feels like its going in slow motion, while your relative is talking so ignorant yet so passionate, and just when you notice that he’s spitting while he’s talking and some landed on your shoe, but right before you open your mouth and decide to play devils advocate, you stop.  Then you realize yes, he did get the short end of the genetics straw, and you did melt Ex-lax in his hot chocolate back in 1986.  As your looking at his opponent who kind of looks like a jerk you think, “Maybe tonight is his night where The Universe & I give him a chance.”  This is when family pride takes over & you stand tall, side by side with your embarrassing relative, look the guy he’s arguing with right in the eye and say, “Yes, assisted suicide is perfectly legal, but only in Hospice Houses.”

 

Disclaimer:  This piece of medical fiction is property of www.NurseFail.com.  This is a fictional work of the imagination of a sick individual, with the goal of making me laugh….And well?  You too.  This is not endorsed by the ANA or in any way related to reality, think of it instead as a stretching of possibility.

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May
18

Nurses Hijack Private Jet

 

 

5/17/12

 

 

 

Nurses Hijack Private Jet

 

 

 

When NurseFail.com read the headline about Hospital XX, “To Increase Profit, Hospital Closes Several Departments & Adds To Nursing Staffs Duties,” we thought, what’s new?  After all what hospital doesn’t close down other departments and add their jobs to nursing staffs duties for no extra money?  But as we investigated further, this story was a bit different.

 

In the summer of 2012 just as the schedulers for the nursing department were denying nurses vacation requests right and left, members of administration were trying to figure out where they wanted to go on vacation this year.  Stay in theUnited States?  Go toSouth America? Europe?  The decisions were endless.  However, the letters each member of administration received stating that they would not be getting their summer bonus this year, put their vacation dreams to a screeching halt.

 

Each quarter, with the next one being in June, the top tier of administration at Hospital XX received $5,000 bonuses for all their long hours of Amazon shopping, Facebooking, & Angry Bird playing at their desk.  This year would be different, with hospital profits decreasing at a steady rate, there was no money for bonuses and layoffs could be in the future.  Rest assure that as soon as the bad news was received, but right before their 4pm latte break, an emergency meeting was schedule to plot & scheme how to get their bonus back.

 

The disenchanted bunch of administrative professionals met in the board room with one goal in mind, making money to get their bonuses back.  The head of finance opened up a huge book of all the recent expenditures, each employee’s name & department, and all of their wages.  They then began weeding out what departments weren’t necessary, what employee made too much, and writing up pink slips that would be a lot more depressing than the letters each of them just received.  By 5pm these letters were sealed and delivered to every unlucky employee who was chosen to be fired.  Administration knew all too well that a business just cannot fire key staff, not replace them, & expect to stay afloat?  So that isn’t what they had in mind, they planned replacing the fired staff internally, more specifically with the nursing department.  They understood that nurses are very versatile and talented creatures, they just didn’t want to let on that they knew this, because if the nurses knew their real worth?  Riots and strikes would be soon to follow.

 

The hospital was buzzing with bad news and just as all the fired people were cleaning off their desks and packing their stuff, the nurses were hauled into a meeting room by the bigwigs of administration.  From there they were told that they had some new job duties to add onto their daily tasks.  Each of them was to receive a sheet that would direct them to their new tasks and tomorrow they would receive training on how to do their new tasks.

 

Tomorrow was here and the nurses began to discuss their new tasks with each other.  Some nurses were assigned additional duties like: cleaning, radiology, clerk tasks, maintenance, computer technology, and even dietary food preparation.  Like usual, the nurse’s other job duties did not decrease, they were to do their regular job duties and these new ones with no extra help and no increase in pay.  And if the nurses knew this was all done so that administration could have bonuses?  There would have been total upheaval.

 

Everyday working at Hospital XX was a nightmare.  The nurses did their best to get all of their job duties done, but it was just impossible to take care of people and do another department’s job too.  On top of it all, the hospital was starting to look like a mess and really showing the effects of administrations budget cuts.  As for administration, everything was going even better than planned.  Within the first few weeks the changes, administration already qualified for their summer bonus and life was normal in their offices.  While the nurses were nearly working themselves to death, administration was hard at work using their office phone lines & computers to plan their vacations.  This however, wasn’t going to last for long.

 

The nurses were becoming delirious, angry, & feeling helpless over their new circumstances.  Many nurses had quit and the rest just wish they did.  But they didn’t have a spare moment to even talk about it at work; they were busy every minute of the day.  Meanwhile, Nurse XX had passed all of her meds and managed to have a spare minute to work on job number two, sorting and distributing the hospital mail.  While she was sorting, she came across something very intriguing.  It was a letter from one letter of administration to the rest with, “We have the best jobs in the world!” written on the outside of the envelope.  This really pissed Nurse XX off #1.  Because she did not have the best job in the world & #2. Because someone else at the hospital was happy and the entire nursing staff was not.  Nurse XX couldn’t help but open the letter.  Inside she discovered the whole plot and the reason why she was now taking care and sorting the mail and not getting a cent more.  The letter also suggested that if the rest of administration went to the same vacation destination they could share the hospital jet and end up flying for free.  Smoke was pouring out of Nurse XX ears at this injustice as she picked up the phone to tell some other nurses what was going down.

 

One the phone another nurse reminded her that a nurse was now piloting the hospital jet as a part of the increased job duty system for nurses.  From there they devised a plan to hijack the plane and demand a stop to the extra job duties and a ransom for all the nurses extra work.  All the nurses had to do is change the letter in department mail a little, make them to agree, and get a team together for the attack inside the plane.  Being the cheapskates they were, administration all agreed to save money by taking the hospital jet.  The nurses devised a plan to dress like stewardesses, take over the plane, and then state their demands.

 

The day was here and the nurses dressed like stewardesses as they helped the unassuming members of administration on their flight.  Within an hour, the nurses pulled their wigs off, and put their plan into action.  The plan went over very well and easier than expected.  It also helped that one nurse whose extra duties were in the computer department, pulled up and printed off several incriminating emails where each member of administration was caught having an affair on paper.  As soon as the nurses threatened with blackmail, administration went down without a fight.  The nurses of Hospital XX would have no extra duties and received a $350,000 check to be split amongst the staff.

 

However, as soon as the plane landed at the vacation destination and the nurses stepped off onto the tarmac, administration almost trampled them over to get back onto the plane where the Vice President of Marketing used his pilots license to take back off in the plane and leave the nurses there.  Within 15 minutes, the rest of administration had enough time to fired the nurses and clean out the computer system.  It was a valiant effort from the nurses of Hospital XX, who were able to cash the $350,000 check in 10 minutes and lived happily together at the vacation spot until this day.  Their ex-coworkers are still working two jobs at the hospital & administration is now receiving double bonuses.

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May
16

Grocery Shopping & MRSA

5/16/12

INCIDENT REPORT

EXPLANATION:

Now I’m just as guilty as the next nurse for wearing my scrubs in public on occasion. But this girl at my work really over does it. I almost wonder if she thinks she is impressing people by wearing her scrubs all the time? Because one day she said something about how she likes to let people know that she’s a nurse. Anyway, I always see her at the grocery store, even if she didn’t work that day she’s always walking around with her scrubs on. It seems this addiction has made wearing scrubs a practice far beyond work & turned it into her used and abused daily uniform. The worst of it came the other day, when she had the day off, & we and some other nurses were supposed to meet after work to get a drink. The day before when I worked with her, she had some crazy patient throw a handful of crap at her as she was walking out the door to go get help. She was well aware of this and tried to scrub it out, but managed to make it through the day. (Do you know where I’m going with this?) You can imagine my disgust when she came strolling into the bar not only with scrubs on, but with scrubs that had the same old crap stains from the poopy disaster yesterday. What the frick?!

REAL FAIL:  Grocery Shopping & MRSA

“Oh, I’m just here to pick up a few things: Milk, eggs, VRE”

PLAN FOR IMPROVEMENT:

It sounds like your friend is very close to hitting bottom, we would just like her to get there a little quicker so we can get her on her way up. You have to treat this just like any other addiction. Just be confident & thankful that it’s not you! Good Luck & Follow these steps:

1. She must be drug tested to prove she has her favorite drug in her system, this kind of drug test can be completed with the camera on your phone (You can use this later to orientate her to the reality of her addiction)
2. Gather people close to this nurse, that are willing to be a part of the intervention process
3. Offer this nurse alternatives to her addiction by taking her clothes shopping for non-scrubs before the intervention
4. Have an actual intervention where the nurse must chose to wear scrubs for life or your friendship
5. If she chooses her addiction stick to your word. No matter how much you miss her or how sad she looks tromping through Walmart with poo on her shoe, she chose those dirty things over you…Remember that!

Well, I hope it all works out for you, trying to pry a friend from the claws of addiction is no easy task. Just remember to take care of yourself during the whole process, we don’t want you developing some strange addiction a hospital can only handle a few crazy nurses at one time!

Disclaimer: This piece of medical fiction is property of www.NurseFail.com. This is a fictional work of the imagination of a sick individual, with the goal of making me laugh….And well? You too. This is not endorsed by the ANA or in any way related to reality, think of it instead as a stretching of possibility.

Permanent link to this article: http://nursefail.com/http:/test.nursefail.com/nursefails

May
16

The Hospital Expert

 

5/15/12

 

The Hospital Expert

 

-It is most likely that this patient, their family member, friend, neighbor, or a guy they met once has worked at a hospital, which makes them an instant Hospital Expert

-When you’re a Hospital Expert you deserve the best possible treatment from all hospital staff

-When you’re a Hospital Expert you enter your room, manically search for the call light, & hold on for dear life

-When you’re a Hospital Expert you are also a doctor.  This allows you to diagnose yourself but it does not allow you to write yourself prescriptions, which can make you really mad when other doctors like yourself who can write prescriptions won’t write you what you want

-When a patient utters the words, “What department do they work in?”  You know may have a Hospital Expert on your hands

-Despite having a Hospital Expert in your hands, the pain you will feel from having them around will be in your ass

-Hospital Experts LOVE to use hospital terms which they think sound very impressive to nurses like you who are merely hospital staff.  These terms include:  Dilautin (for Dilaudid), O2 Stat (for O2 saturation), CD (for CT) and Zofranan (for Zofran) *Try not to feel so small in the shadow of someone so impressive*

-While a normal patient may ask something like, “Is there a snack I can have or somewhere I can get something to eat?”  A Hospital Expert will ask, “Will you call dietary, I want a tray delivered after I look at the dinner menu.”

-Be careful not to strain your eyes.  Constant eye rolling can be dangerous and lead to uncontrollable eye rolling which could even occur in front of the patient

-If a patient asks to speak to the charge nurse, try to contain yourself and refrain from the eye rolling we discussed previously and take this opportunity to wrongly educate this person.  This will lead them to sounding just as dumb as they do when they say, “Dilautin.”  To do this, follow these steps: 1. Play dumb & say, “Who?  I don’t know what that is?”  “Do you mean the nurse who is in charge of you?”  “Or maybe you’re thinking of the billing department?”  2.  After your Hospital Expert repeatedly tries to belittle you, but just before they start yelling and asking for a manager say, “Do you mean the Pack Leader Nurse?”  3.  Next, take this opportunity to make the patient feel less expert like by telling them that Charge Nurse hasn’t been used for years because this term was to hard for, “Patients like you,” to understand.  Pack Leader Nurse is what we are saying now.  4.  Get your charge nurse, but make sure they know the new joke.  5. Continue to educate your patient how much hospital terminology has changed over the years

-After treating the staff like crap for 12 straight hours it’s only fitting if your patient asks you for a job application

-Accept the Expert’s application by putting a glove on and taking it from them, but be sure to explain to them that the Dilautin you just gave to them voids the application by making them fail the drug test

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May
14

The Catheter That Never Was

5/14/12

 

 

 

INCIDENT REPORT

 

 

 

EXPLANATION:

 

I’ve put in quiet a few catheters and I know some can be hard to place.  However, there is still a right and wrong way to do things.  I went into my patient’s room to do her assessment and she told me her catheter was bothering her.  Common complaint right?  Well I didn’t really expect to find anything wrong and just thought I would end up giving the patient the spiel on why catheters hurt.  I started checking from the bag which had no urine in it.  Because it was a new shift they should have just emptied it, but this looked too clean.  None of the clamps were clamped and there was no urine in the tube.  As I followed the tubing up to the patient, I checked the balloon which was fine.  Then I gave the catheter a little tug which caused it to just plop right out on the bed. The patient said now it felt much better.  Judging by the zero urine and how simply the catheter fell out, I’m pretty sure that catheter was placed in hole number two instead of number one?

 

REAL FAIL:  The Catheter That Never Was

 

Unlike other events like the breaking of a piñata, you should never attempt to place a urinary catheter blindfolded.

 

PLAN FOR IMPROVEMENT:

 

Someone messed this all up.  I thought the first rule for telling that a catheter is in right is seeing urine?  (And the urine cannot be yours or anyone else’s besides the patient your putting the catheter in)  Now I’m really interested in seeing where this wonderful nurse has been putting everything else, because to someone who isn’t really all together, PO can look a lot like POOP, meaning “Where POOP comes out,” in Idiot.  (Idiot is common language spoken by people who have an abundance of extra space inside their skull.  This would appear as a black emptiness on a head CT)  Unfortunately, Head CTs are not part of Nursing Licensure criteria or most hospitals hiring processes, making finding one of these people similar to an unpleasant treasure hunt of bullsh*t, followed by daily disasters.  Either way, it looks like you have found yourself and Idiot!  To get rid of this person place a sign near the time clock, with the person’s name, stating that they are to float to a neighboring hospital.  Then call the neighboring hospital, warning them that a strange person has been going from hospital to hospital saying that they have been assigned to float there and this person is pretending to be a nurse.  This is totally ethical because the, “Pretending to be a nurse thing,” is very true.  This should solve your problem.

 

Disclaimer:  This piece of medical fiction is property of www.NurseFail.com.  This is a fictional work of the imagination of a sick individual, with the goal of making me laugh….And well?  You too.  This is not endorsed by the ANA or in any way related to reality, think of it instead as a stretching of possibility.

Permanent link to this article: http://nursefail.com/http:/test.nursefail.com/nursefails

May
11

Nurse Cures Constipation

5/11/12

 

 

 

 

INCIDENT REPORT

 

EXPLANATION:

 

Nurses have all kinds of tricks for curing constipation.  This is because the majority of nursing revolves around crap.  You see, patients either cannot go or they go too much.  There is nothing in between because even the patient are normal don’t want to be and swear to you that they usually crap 10 times a day, so although they appear normal from going one time a day, this is obviously a symptom of approaching death because they aren’t going their usual 10 times a day.  Either way, I have a special constipation cure I use on patients, loved ones, and even strangers.  First off, I give them this cure right before shift change (That is very important!).  Next I warm up prune juice and then flush their PEG tube with it or give it to the patient as a morning refreshment.  You won’t find this cure on any MAR, but it goes by the generic name of: Warm Prune Juice or the brand name: The Brown Bomb.

 

REAL FAIL:  Nurse Cures Constipation

 

A wise man once said, “If you can cure constipation, you have cured the whole hospital.”

 

PLAN FOR IMPROVEMENT:

 

Bowel obsessed patients are some the most crazy patients you can ever meet.  It can strike even the most normal patient out of the blue or they can have already had it for years.  Bowel obsession goes both ways, they can want to go or not want to go, you never really know until they tell you and even this can change.  Either way, “The Brown Bomb,” can be the miracle you need to get your patient’s thumb off their call light & their butt on the toilet.  Now if you were thinking about treating the deeper problem of the mental aspects of bowel obsession?  Don’t waste your time, you have about the same probability of figuring that out as you do trying to talk someone into understanding why they can’t crap when they are taking IV Dilaudid every few hours.  It’s never the Dilaudid’s fault…..Never……(How dare you talk about their friend that way!!?)

 

Disclaimer:  This piece of medical fiction is property of www.NurseFail.com.  This is a fictional work of the imagination of a sick individual, with the goal of making me laugh….And well?  You too.  This is not endorsed by the ANA or in any way related to reality, think of it instead as a stretching of possibility.

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May
10

The Hoarder Nurse

5/10/12

The Hoarder Nurse

 

 

-Where is she sitting to chart today?  Oh yeah, just look for the garbage pile!  And there it is, right over there

-You are pretty sure administration said that each nurse got one locker.  How did she manage to get three and why are all the doors tied shut with rope?

-I think that was a bunch of insulin syringe caps that just fell out of her bag?

-Why does she need four cups half full of various liquids?

-Noticing there is always an extra parking spot by her car, you decided to take it today.  You then realize never to do that again as you notice the swarm of bees that were buzzing around the garbage heap in her backseat, are now making their way to your vehicle

-She just approached you with a $20 offer to buy your locker.  Mystery solved, now you know how she got three lockers.  So you hand over the combination so for her to jam-pack locker number four

-Another collection bucket appears at the nurse’s station, now she wants your bottle caps.  She places this one right next to her other four where she collects insulin syringe caps, small plastic bags, empty pens, and paper clips

-You decide that you are helping her hoarding addiction by, “accidentally” throwing those collection buckets in the garbage

-As a supervisor you decide to talk with her again about how it doesn’t give the patients a good impression of nurses when she asks patients for their garbage and then puts it in her pocket & walks out of her room

-You had to climb over a small garbage heap that was accumulated in a few hours, just to get to her to talk about the whole, “taking the patient’s garbage thing”

-In a strange opposition to OCD she manages to compulsively dirty everything up and is unhappy until she does so

-During assessments you watch her move from room to room, opening her patient’s closets.  At first you are confused as to why?  Then you realize she is looking for more storage room

-Besides the overstuffing of garbage, you share identical bags.  When she points this commonality out to you, you cannot help but point out that while you do, “Have the same bag in style,” they remain totally different in spirit

-When she tries to take your empty plastic Starbucks cup, you rip it out of her hand, stomp on it, throw it in the garbage and explain how you had to make it more clear to her that your cup was actually garbage

-You wonder for a few minutes whether Hoarding is caused by visual misinterpretations that cause the victim to see garbage as a sentimental item?

-An hour later, you officially decide you don’t care what causes hoarders to hoard, they just need to stop

-When you get out of work you call the show hoarders and tell them her story

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May
10

Good CNA, Good Nurse – Bad CNA, Bad Nurse

5/9/12

INCIDENT REPORT

 

EXPLANATION:

Most of the nurses here agree that some of our CNAs are a little hit and miss.  By that I mean that you might get a great CNA one night and have the next one the next night and yet have a completely different experience.  I know when someone is busy and I know when our CNAs are working hard, just as I know when they are on break 135.  The other night one of the CNAs said to me, “Thank you,” because I helped her out with one of her tasks just as she went to do it.  I knew she was working hard and I had an extra minute, so it doesn’t bother me to help anyone who is working hard.  But I let her in on my little secret rule of thumb and said, “Good CNA gets a Good Nurse & Bad CNA gets a Bad Nurse.”  I can play both parts so that makes it pretty self explanatory & that’s how I roll.


REAL FAIL:
 Good CNA, Good Nurse – Bad CNA, Bad Nurse

 

Hmmm…What are you going to get?

PLAN FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Will there ever be an end to the age old battle between nurses & CNAs?  It’s nurse’s week, can’t we all just be friends?  How about starting by firing everyone who doesn’t want to work?  Then we could get rid of all the crazy people.  Next give pink slips to everyone who has difficulty playing well with others.  Wouldn’t that about do it?  You may notices that the best places to work feel as if that process has already been done.  But overall, no facility is going to be perfect.  And even if it was, wouldn’t we just find something else to complain about?  Either way, before I was a nurse I worked typical low paying kid jobs, which I was thankful to have.  Strangely enough I don’t remember seeing as many people as I do now that just wanted to come to work, punch in then punch out, without doing any work, and still collect a paycheck at the end of the week.  Kids these days?!

 
Disclaimer: This piece of medical fiction is property of www.NurseFail.com. This is a fictional work of the imagination of a sick individual, with the goal of making me laugh….And well? You too. This is not endorsed by the ANA or in any way related to reality, think of it instead as a stretching of possibility.

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May
09

The Tired Nurse Breathalyzer

 

 

5/8/12

 

The Tired Nurse Breathalyzer

 

What nurse isn’t tired?  I mean who wouldn’t be after being peed on, pooped on, spit at, the victim of daily or even hourly manipulation attempts, not to mention having to watch out for punches while you’re doing every task but charting.   (Well, there are some rowdy coworkers out there?)  Those kinds of things would make anyone tired.

That’s why in the 1960s, just a few years after the breathalyzer used for testing alcohol levels was invented, Hospital XX had a brilliant idea.  You see this hospital had been plagued by tired nurses from high turnover rates, a bullying scheduler, & and the endless offerings of overtime.  All was fine and dandy as Hospital XX was slowly working its nurses to death just as all other hospitals do, until something really bad happened.  During Nurses Week in 1963, Nurse XX had just finished her 14th straight shift in a row and was looking forward to a restful two days off.  As she sat down in the break room filled with flowers and food for Nurses Week she rested her head on the table and instantly fell asleep.  When she awoke an hour later, with table cloth creases across her face, she was starving.  Still delirious, blurry eyed and not thinking straight, she grabbed the first piece of cake she saw and shoved it in her mouth.  As you know, starving people barely chew and confused people don’t notice important things, this was a tragic combination for Nurse XX.  She began to choke on an unseen cake decoration, within minutes Nurse XX was no more.  However this is not the type of thing hospitals take consider horrible or even take notice of, but the lawsuit her family filed the next day was the thing hospital nightmares are made of.

To make a long story short, Hospital XX had to pay the family of nursing’s very own victim of sleep deprivation, an undisclosed crap-load of money.  Administration was angry and at a loss.  They couldn’t just stop forcing nurses to work overtime?  What were they going to do, start treating the nurses nice to decrease turnover?  HA!  Within weeks the Tiredalizer was born.  Much like the Breathalyzer, used to test alcohol levels in drunks, the Tiredalizer was used to test tired levels in nurses.  The nurse was to blow into the Tiredalizer, which would produce a level that indicated how tired she was.  The tired levels ranged from the lowest level, “Awake,” to “I don’t want to get up,” which can be the first symptom of tiredness.  The next level included, “I’m Tired,” where the nurse first announces that she is tired.  Then came, “Falling asleep,” which was strikingly similar to narcolepsy and lastly was, “Near death,” which is self-explanatory.  Hospital XX hoped that they could use these readings from the Tiredalizer as evidence in court for any future law suits, to prove that their nurses were not as tired as the last lawsuit said they were.  As usual, administration was completely out of touch with anything realistic and swore that the dearly departed Nurse XX was surely not as tired as the courts said she was.

However, use of the Tiredalizer at Hospital XX was discontinued during the second week of its premier.  Just as any nurse could have to told you, administration was way wrong and every nurse at the hospital was completely tired and near death, even the ones who didn’t work overtime blew the Tiredalizer completely off the chart.  For fear of creating incrimination evidence for themselves the Tiredalizer was destroyed along with all of the results.

Nurses continue to work tired at Hospital XX, which reports that they have another analyzer in the works.  They would not tell NurseFail.com any other details besides the fact that the device analyzes the amount of yawn in a nurse’s voice.  The hospital also wanted to make it very clear that they were severing decoration-free cake this Nurses Week & have, everyone since the incident.

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May
07

Nurse Leaves Scissors In A Special Place

5/7/12

 

 

INCIDENT REPORT

 

 

EXPLANATION:

I was looking for my scissors all day.  The last time I remembered seeing them was around noon.  Then I had a flashback, I was fixing this wound that was leaking around the seal of its vac.  This patient was particularly large & I had a feeling that if I went back in his room I would find them.  So, I went back in there and looked all over around the floor, in the waste basket, they were nowhere.  Then the patient started moving around, which exposed his large behind and I saw my scissors plastered flatly right on his butt.  I quickly peeled them off and he didn’t feel a thing, all he said was, “Did you find them?”  Yup, Oh I found them.

REAL FAIL:  Nurse Leaves Scissors In A Special Place

Tell me what hospital scavenger hunt doesn’t end in surprise?

PLAN FOR IMPROVEMENT:

As you know from your years of being a nurse, flashbacks can be helpful or horrible.  For instance, your flashback was helpful.  And the one I have sometimes of entering a room, only to be enthusiastically greeted with a wave by a patient who was in the midst of giving herself thorough peri-care, was in the horrible category.  Either way, you found your scissors!  Yay!  (I hate when you lose one of your nursing tools)  You also earn bonus points for the sneak attack grab & peel.  I truly believe a good sneak attack technique is key to excellent nursing care.  I myself have mastered the art of, “The Sneak Attack Insulin Injection.”  But I am pretty sure you have what it takes to do it too.
Disclaimer: This piece of medical fiction is property of www.NurseFail.com. This is a fictional work of the imagination of a sick individual, with the goal of making me laugh….And well? You too. This is not endorsed by the ANA or in any way related to reality, think of it instead as a stretching of possibility.

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